No one talks about
the chances you didn't take
the things you didn't say
the "wait..." that never came
No one seems to realize
the hesitation is sometimes
the most important part
of it all
That it's hard to say
Words that stick in your throat
don't ever come out as easily
as you want them too
trying to use "I need"s and "I feel"s
in order not to offend
when all you really want to do is scream
and shake
and sob
and know why
Being here before doesn't make it easier
if anything, it's harder to look around and realize
you're back
and the landscape hasn't changed
Still stuck
still ending up in this place
even though circumstances couldn't be more different
the question asks itself:
Is it me?
Monday, November 12, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
one of THOSE posts...
you know, those really annoying ones where the person is all "I'm mad at this person for something", and then you're all "oooohh, what happened??" and then they're all "I don't want to talk about it", or even better "omg. so crazy. I'll message you..."
Um HELLO?!?!?! You're posting all that shit all over the internets and NOW you're trying to be bashful about what the FUCK you're talking about??
Well, ok, this post won't be that bad... (I hope...)
BUT I do have some questions about how people my age (roughly 25...ish...ok, let's say people in their mid 20s to mid 30s) communicate intensions in this day and age. I don't know exactly when, in the last few years I have noticed that I've become both more aware of my strong personal feelings about people and circumstances, and that I've become less nervous/uneasy about sharing those feelings with others (especially when it involves them). I've been told that that's just "growing up", and that everyone goes through that.
As a 25 year old single, straight woman, I have found that there are MANY young men my age who do NOT subscribe to knowing how they feel and sharing that openly. It's frustrating. I'm ready to live my life openly in that way - when I know something, and I feel something for real, I'm gonna fucking say it. And I'm gonna fucking mean it. Don't waste my time with bullshit, and, more than that, if you don't have something real to say, please, please PLEASE for the love of God, don't say anything at all.
I know that the stereotype of women is that we read things into everything. Yes. We do. Get fucking used to it. If you say certain things, I will think that you mean something to that end. And come ON! This is not just me, this is a lot of people...
I guess just all I wanna say is "what the fuck?"
And also, that I'm sorry for this turning out to be one of those posts...it was. I admit it. And now I'm done. (And I promise I'll never do it again, I swear - haha)
Love, Bethy
Um HELLO?!?!?! You're posting all that shit all over the internets and NOW you're trying to be bashful about what the FUCK you're talking about??
Well, ok, this post won't be that bad... (I hope...)
BUT I do have some questions about how people my age (roughly 25...ish...ok, let's say people in their mid 20s to mid 30s) communicate intensions in this day and age. I don't know exactly when, in the last few years I have noticed that I've become both more aware of my strong personal feelings about people and circumstances, and that I've become less nervous/uneasy about sharing those feelings with others (especially when it involves them). I've been told that that's just "growing up", and that everyone goes through that.
As a 25 year old single, straight woman, I have found that there are MANY young men my age who do NOT subscribe to knowing how they feel and sharing that openly. It's frustrating. I'm ready to live my life openly in that way - when I know something, and I feel something for real, I'm gonna fucking say it. And I'm gonna fucking mean it. Don't waste my time with bullshit, and, more than that, if you don't have something real to say, please, please PLEASE for the love of God, don't say anything at all.
I know that the stereotype of women is that we read things into everything. Yes. We do. Get fucking used to it. If you say certain things, I will think that you mean something to that end. And come ON! This is not just me, this is a lot of people...
I guess just all I wanna say is "what the fuck?"
And also, that I'm sorry for this turning out to be one of those posts...it was. I admit it. And now I'm done. (And I promise I'll never do it again, I swear - haha)
Love, Bethy
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Musical Punctuation
Yesterday, I had a long day. A very long day.
And, to be honest, I didn't start it the most well-rested...Monday night, I slept in four to five 20-30 minute increments trying to finish papers for school, so by Tuesday morning, I was getting pretty loopy already.
I got to work a few minutes early and sucked down some coffee before getting on the truck. Normally, I work from 8 to 4, but I had a dentist appointment at 4:15 all the way across town, so I left the truck at 3:00.
Now generally, after I leave work, I am so exhausted I can hardly stand, much less focus on anything, and this time, though I left early, I was just trying to get to the dentist on time. I got on the red line from work, transferred at Park St, and instead of getting on the green line home, I walked to Downtown Crossing, relishing the warm air in the underground tunnel that normally is stifling and too hot, as it seeped into my bones. (One thing that I didn't think about when I got the job on the food truck was, um, winter. It's freaking cold on that truck.)
So I'm standing on the Platform for the orange line towards Forest Hills. This particular train/station is pretty well known for having at least one homeless man with a guitar wailing a Jesus-themed song (usually quite badly) at the top of his lungs. And as I looked around with my glassy eyes, I saw a man...with a guitar...sitting and preparing to sing. I anticipated the worst.
...and I received a gift.
This man started playing the guitar, and some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard poured out of it. His playing was technically good, but more than that, there was such emotion and soul coming out of his instrument.
And all I could do was stand and watch him, and wait for my train. And I'm sure that if I didn't have to get to the dentist, I would have missed the next one that came, on purpose just to listen to this man for longer. The tension started pouring out of me, and I just stood.
The rest of the day was not quite as stress-free as I would have liked it to be...but at the end of the day, that music, just for the few minutes that it was in my life, took a day that could have been all stress, and punctuated it with music. It was beautiful, it was life-giving, and it was a perhaps not-so-subtle reminder that maybe I should ride the orange line more often...
Love, Bethy
And, to be honest, I didn't start it the most well-rested...Monday night, I slept in four to five 20-30 minute increments trying to finish papers for school, so by Tuesday morning, I was getting pretty loopy already.
I got to work a few minutes early and sucked down some coffee before getting on the truck. Normally, I work from 8 to 4, but I had a dentist appointment at 4:15 all the way across town, so I left the truck at 3:00.
Now generally, after I leave work, I am so exhausted I can hardly stand, much less focus on anything, and this time, though I left early, I was just trying to get to the dentist on time. I got on the red line from work, transferred at Park St, and instead of getting on the green line home, I walked to Downtown Crossing, relishing the warm air in the underground tunnel that normally is stifling and too hot, as it seeped into my bones. (One thing that I didn't think about when I got the job on the food truck was, um, winter. It's freaking cold on that truck.)
So I'm standing on the Platform for the orange line towards Forest Hills. This particular train/station is pretty well known for having at least one homeless man with a guitar wailing a Jesus-themed song (usually quite badly) at the top of his lungs. And as I looked around with my glassy eyes, I saw a man...with a guitar...sitting and preparing to sing. I anticipated the worst.
...and I received a gift.
This man started playing the guitar, and some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard poured out of it. His playing was technically good, but more than that, there was such emotion and soul coming out of his instrument.
And all I could do was stand and watch him, and wait for my train. And I'm sure that if I didn't have to get to the dentist, I would have missed the next one that came, on purpose just to listen to this man for longer. The tension started pouring out of me, and I just stood.
The rest of the day was not quite as stress-free as I would have liked it to be...but at the end of the day, that music, just for the few minutes that it was in my life, took a day that could have been all stress, and punctuated it with music. It was beautiful, it was life-giving, and it was a perhaps not-so-subtle reminder that maybe I should ride the orange line more often...
Love, Bethy
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Dry Fall
It was a dry fall
Hardly enough rain to satisfy her Northwest roots
The leaves crunched under her feet as they pounded down the
pavement
She watched him leave
Bag slung over his shoulder like a jaunty cowboy
It was a sight she was familiar with
She’d seen it before.
Too many times before.
It must have been love
Or something just like it
Because she’d never wanted something so badly
And been willing to work as hard as she possibly could for
it.
The fear that it still wouldn’t be enough was paralyzing
And she couldn’t breathe for fear of upsetting a delicate
balance
- one that in
reality, hadn’t existed for a while…
At the end, it turned out to be a waiting game
Continuing to go on, waiting to see when their paths would
cross again
Always waiting waiting waiting for something that would just
happen
Spontaneously, as if neither of them had any control
It was a dry fall
And she turned away from him walking away from her.
She couldn’t watch it again
For fear that her tears would trigger the rain.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
imaginary futures
It is strange to meet someone, to know someone that you can see your life with. Your entire life. Marriage and babies and old age - forever and ever amen. It happens with more frequency than we realize, and for every time two people meet and develop expectations for each other, there have to be many many more who end up parting ways than those who stay together.
And it's a strange feeling - to feel the connection so intensely with someone that you not only can see the next hour, the next day, the next year with them, but the next decade and beyond... To see a lifetime, perhaps not the where or what, but the with whom. It is exciting - and terrifying. It takes us out of our selfish selves, wanting to give for someone else - to meld lives, even at the risk of sacrificing for yourself. To meet someone who complements your personality in those intricate and special ways...it can feel like a fairy tale.
Yet, it's not always that happy ending. For whatever reason, it doesn't always work, and sometimes that is for the better, sometimes not. But it doesn't stop that feeling of the future you say being ripped away from you, being replaced by a vast dark nothingness. Of fear, of doubt, of unknowing how to continue to move forward. Like most things, it will just take time. Lots of time. Time to forget those things that made you see in the first place the next forty, fifty, sixty years. Time to distract yourself with other things, other people, to try to relearn how to do those everyday things that used to remind you of that person. To cut ties to him or her, literally if you have to.
It is more than love that creates this feeling - perhaps a childish fantasy of a "happily ever after" instilled in us by society. To meet the person you think could be "the one" - even if it's the 100th "the one" you've met, never feels like less than breathtaking, never seems less than miraculous.
And you must learn to breathe again, learn to break from the autopilot that is all too easy to snap into as a reaction to this loss. To build a future for yourself in your head - one in which that other person doesn't exist, one in which you take back your preferences - no longer needing to compromise. It is hard. It. Is. Hard.
There are questions I don't know the answer to anymore. There are pieces of myself that I had left behind that I struggle to find again, and pick up. And there is a hole. I believe that in time, much of it will heal - but not all. Having never done this before, I do not know, but I imagine that there will be a part of me that cannot heal, a part that will always stay in that mystical future that long ago faded away. I'm not going to be ashamed of it - a sign that I loved and I lost.
What my own future holds now is a mystery, yet to come.
And it's a strange feeling - to feel the connection so intensely with someone that you not only can see the next hour, the next day, the next year with them, but the next decade and beyond... To see a lifetime, perhaps not the where or what, but the with whom. It is exciting - and terrifying. It takes us out of our selfish selves, wanting to give for someone else - to meld lives, even at the risk of sacrificing for yourself. To meet someone who complements your personality in those intricate and special ways...it can feel like a fairy tale.
Yet, it's not always that happy ending. For whatever reason, it doesn't always work, and sometimes that is for the better, sometimes not. But it doesn't stop that feeling of the future you say being ripped away from you, being replaced by a vast dark nothingness. Of fear, of doubt, of unknowing how to continue to move forward. Like most things, it will just take time. Lots of time. Time to forget those things that made you see in the first place the next forty, fifty, sixty years. Time to distract yourself with other things, other people, to try to relearn how to do those everyday things that used to remind you of that person. To cut ties to him or her, literally if you have to.
It is more than love that creates this feeling - perhaps a childish fantasy of a "happily ever after" instilled in us by society. To meet the person you think could be "the one" - even if it's the 100th "the one" you've met, never feels like less than breathtaking, never seems less than miraculous.
And you must learn to breathe again, learn to break from the autopilot that is all too easy to snap into as a reaction to this loss. To build a future for yourself in your head - one in which that other person doesn't exist, one in which you take back your preferences - no longer needing to compromise. It is hard. It. Is. Hard.
There are questions I don't know the answer to anymore. There are pieces of myself that I had left behind that I struggle to find again, and pick up. And there is a hole. I believe that in time, much of it will heal - but not all. Having never done this before, I do not know, but I imagine that there will be a part of me that cannot heal, a part that will always stay in that mystical future that long ago faded away. I'm not going to be ashamed of it - a sign that I loved and I lost.
What my own future holds now is a mystery, yet to come.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
new birthday goals
So, I know it's been a while. I wrote this post about a month ago and it got deleted, and then, in the grand tradition of giving up on things that frustrate me, to retaliate, I didn't blog at all for a while. (Because yes, in my mind, I'm "getting back" at the blog for erasing my post...ok, don't ask...). Anyway - I realize that I never posted a 25 of 25, and then I got exhausted trying to think about 25 appropriate and reasonable things I could post about. And instead, I'm going to do 5. 5 things I want to do before turning 26. And they're going to be reasonable, and fun, and I'm actually going to try really hard to do all of them. Here we go -
5 before 26
1. Learn how to french braid my own hair. I have always been jealous of people who can do this - I've tried many times, but given up soon after.
2. Purchase a pig, and kill it myself. Straight off my list from last year. There's only a few places in the country that have programs where you by the whole pig and then they teach you how to slaughter it, and then butcher it into meal sized portions.
3. Run a marathon within a month of my 26th birthday. ...I guess this one is worded a little strange. I want to run a marathon in July 2013. 26 miles for 26 years seems pretty poetic, right?
4. Start an etsy shop for Silver Hilltop Designs. I still have all those earrings from last year, and craft fairs are sometimes hard to break into. I'll keep everyone updated on my progress on this one (and then I'll be your biggest jewelry-pushing friend you know, haha).
5. Find peace in/with an old relationship/an old residence/an old experience that I haven't been able to let go. Hardest to track, perhaps hardest to complete - but I'm finding that as I still am living a (mostly) nomadic life, leaving people and places and experiences behind, it's harder and harder to not get bitter about things that haven't worked out for one reason or another. And I don't want to be bitter. It sucks the life out of you, and I need all my energy to deal with my own life as it is. :)
So we'll see how this goes!
Love, Bethy
5 before 26
1. Learn how to french braid my own hair. I have always been jealous of people who can do this - I've tried many times, but given up soon after.
2. Purchase a pig, and kill it myself. Straight off my list from last year. There's only a few places in the country that have programs where you by the whole pig and then they teach you how to slaughter it, and then butcher it into meal sized portions.
3. Run a marathon within a month of my 26th birthday. ...I guess this one is worded a little strange. I want to run a marathon in July 2013. 26 miles for 26 years seems pretty poetic, right?
4. Start an etsy shop for Silver Hilltop Designs. I still have all those earrings from last year, and craft fairs are sometimes hard to break into. I'll keep everyone updated on my progress on this one (and then I'll be your biggest jewelry-pushing friend you know, haha).
5. Find peace in/with an old relationship/an old residence/an old experience that I haven't been able to let go. Hardest to track, perhaps hardest to complete - but I'm finding that as I still am living a (mostly) nomadic life, leaving people and places and experiences behind, it's harder and harder to not get bitter about things that haven't worked out for one reason or another. And I don't want to be bitter. It sucks the life out of you, and I need all my energy to deal with my own life as it is. :)
So we'll see how this goes!
Love, Bethy
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Results of the 24 of 24...
A year ago, I set 24 goals for myself - just to see what would happen. I'm not sure I thought I would be able to do all of them, but at least with 24 I was bound to get one or two done within the course of the year. Now that I'm 25, let's see how things shook out...
The 24 of 24
1. Blog at least once a week
Hahahahaha - well, this DEFINITELY didn't happen. At all. I got a little better at the beginning of 2012, but there was so much going on, blogging didn't make the cut of important things (ya know, like finding a job in North Carolina and having enough money to pay for groceries)...
2. Do some kind of exercise at least 20 minutes a day
Also no - although I did run a 10 mile race in May, and am currently training for a sprint Tri in August.
3. Learn how to sew well enough to make a (cute) skirt
Nope. Wow, I'm not doing to well here, am I?
4. Win a game of Settlers of Catan
0/4. Although, honestly, after I moved away from Bethel, Chris and I didn't have access to the game at all, so....ok, yeah, still didn't do it.
5. Successfully craft something and sell it
YES! Over the fall I turned my depression over being unemployed with no money and Gus just dying into making earrings until my fingers bled and watching the entire series of Frasier on Netflix - I went to one craft fair in December of 2011, and sold almost $200 worth of earrings. It was so amazing to see people look at something that I had made and then PAY me for it! I'm considering opening an etsy shop...I've still got hundreds of pairs already made and ready for you to wear! :)
6. Allow Chris to teach me one outdoor activity and do it with him on some sort of consistent basis
I feel like this one is a yes and a no. There wasn't much consistency going on in Boone - mostly because I had a wack schedule that I had no control over, and Chris had a school schedule that couldn't have been any more full. However - we did go on hikes as much as we could, and I do actually feel like I have a new and better appreciation for hiking than I did before...so this one's not a complete bust, haha.
7. Make a batch of homemade cheese
You know, I totally forgot about this one - and completely coincidentally about 3 weeks ago, I made homemade ricotta just because I found the recipe and it looked fun. Turns out, it was heaven in a bowl - so I spiced it up and made lasagna the next week. Best. Ever.
8. Brew my own beer
Didn't get to this one. And honestly, I doubt that I'll be able to for a while while I'm in Boston...but you never know...
9. Purchase a pig and kill it myself
I would have gotten this one if it wasn't so damn expensive. But I'm not giving up. This is getting directly translated to my 25 of 25.
10. Successfully grow a garden
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. no.
11. Make homemade powdered hot chocolate packets
I did do this one. Once. Turns out, I couldn't find any powdered milk that wasn't nonfat. And that while it did make hot cocoa, the milk wouldn't melt right, and it just didn't work the way I wanted it to - so did do it, but won't be doing it again.
12. Live with a dog
I got to do this one for a month...the last week of which was the hardest week ever. Gus died in September, so our time together was sweet, but way way WAY too short...
13. Visit the Four Corners
Yes! When Chris and I took the big trek out to Boone, I had a laundry list of places I wanted to see and the Four Corners (where Utah, Colorado, Arizona, and New Mexico all meet) was on there. I took my jumprope, and jumped in every state and then over all the state lines. It. Was. Awesome.
14. Make a rug out of knotted T-shirt remnants
Nope. No details, just nope.
Nope. No details, just nope.
15. Reunite with my four Newark JVC roommates
I did do this - Kelli got married in November, so we all got together and spent 3 days of absolute madness all over NYC/NJ. It was a very Newark trip, complete with suits two sizes too small, hangovers that were almost killed us, and exposed boobs in the church parking lot. Oh dear. It was the best.
I did do this - Kelli got married in November, so we all got together and spent 3 days of absolute madness all over NYC/NJ. It was a very Newark trip, complete with suits two sizes too small, hangovers that were almost killed us, and exposed boobs in the church parking lot. Oh dear. It was the best.
16. Do an overnight backpacking trip with Chris
We didn't get a chance to do this one - we tried, but with his schedule and my schedule, it just never happened. I'm still hoping that we can sometime, but life just gets too damn busy...we'll see...
We didn't get a chance to do this one - we tried, but with his schedule and my schedule, it just never happened. I'm still hoping that we can sometime, but life just gets too damn busy...we'll see...
17. Get fitted for a bra that actually fits me
Yeah right...this probably still needs to be a goal....
Yeah right...this probably still needs to be a goal....
18. Make a homemade facial mask
Honestly, I'm a little surprised that I didn't get to this one - I have been doing a lot more of this kind of stuff, so really, if I had remembered, I probably would have done it, but I didn't. Oh well.
Honestly, I'm a little surprised that I didn't get to this one - I have been doing a lot more of this kind of stuff, so really, if I had remembered, I probably would have done it, but I didn't. Oh well.
19. Perfect my braided challah recipe
Nope.
Nope.
20. Hug at least one person everyday
I tried on this one - living in Boone, it was pretty hard, so probably I didn't get one EVERYday, but I go a little nuts if I don't get enough hugs, so...
I tried on this one - living in Boone, it was pretty hard, so probably I didn't get one EVERYday, but I go a little nuts if I don't get enough hugs, so...
22. Run another half marathon in less time than 2:11
I didn't get to one this summer - I did a 10 mile in May, but no half. :(
I didn't get to one this summer - I did a 10 mile in May, but no half. :(
23. Take a picture that gets published somewhere
Nope.
Nope.
24. Never go to bed angry
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah right. Honorable effort on that one, but let's be real...
How I did: 8/24.
How I might have done if I had actually looked at this list at some point during the year and tried to do some of the things: probably around 15 or 16...
Basically, I just need to remember that things like this are here - otherwise it's just pretty random what I'm crossing off and what I'm not...
Ehh...shall I make a 25 list??
Love, Bethy
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah right. Honorable effort on that one, but let's be real...
How I did: 8/24.
How I might have done if I had actually looked at this list at some point during the year and tried to do some of the things: probably around 15 or 16...
Basically, I just need to remember that things like this are here - otherwise it's just pretty random what I'm crossing off and what I'm not...
Ehh...shall I make a 25 list??
Love, Bethy
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