is a emotive and confusing thing.
I am relearning how to exist on a different plane, and in a different place than I have for the last two and a half years, and say what you will about the ups and down that had been happening in the recent months, this time it's different, and this time it's real.
Where my brain is at in terms of life plan has had to change in a huge way, faster than I could have ever imagined, just to keep up with what's going on in real life. It's terrifying. At times, it feels so contrived, that it can't be true, and I wake up from daymares to realize that yes, this is what has happened.
I am not unsure about my own self-worth, or my ability to take on the world. That does not mean I'm not confused, not scared, not furious at feeling at one time both sadness and anger at this change. I thought things were more clear, and yet it seems that I have to explain the explanations - that for all the clear clarifications in the world still left gaps.
And saying that I'm "sad" does my feelings no justice. I am so much more than "sad" and so much less. And I have leaned on everyone I can, for ever time a shoulder has been offered, I've needed one.
The Bethy that existed before doesn't anymore, and she won't be back. As fresh, as hurtful as this is, it lends itself to stitching up my own heart, piece by piece, in hopes that someday I'll be able to call it complete again.
I don't know when that will be...I hope sooner rather than later...but I don't know.
Bear with me.
