New News (Almost!) And Other Things on the Horizon...

Holy moley there are a lot of things going on these days, all while not much is going on.  (For a perfect example, right now I've settled into the lifestyle of my 63 and almost 77 year old parents - waking up early, running errands, going to the gym, making dinner, in bed by 9:30.  It's not a bad life, but it's also good when I can break out and have some social time with people who don't qualify for senior citizen discounts…)

That said, there a life change that is coming (details have to be ironed out before I tell them all, but it's going to be pretty cool, I promise), and because I have some time before that opportunity starts, I've made a few goals to be completed in the interim.

I've got about 100 days to be here, in Lacey, spending time with my parents, and being able to focus on some things that sometimes fall by the wayside when I'm living elsewhere.  These goals are pretty damn optimistic, but that's at least partly why I'm putting them out there on the interwebs.  Group accountability, or peer pressure to not fuck up, as it's also called.

So today is September 10, and 100 days from now is December 18.  By then, I would like to say that I have achieved all these goals, and I do truly believe that if I do, I'll be in a great (and way better) place, mentally, emotionally, and physically to begin the next adventure.  Ready?  Here we go…

By December 18, 2015, I will:

1. Finish the School Nutrition class I am currently enrolled in
2. Begin and finish the Childhood Wellness class that is the second in that certificate program
3. Plan, write, and layout my coffee table book - get everything done except getting it published
4. Post all the pictures that I took from my trip over the summer on facebook
5. Send out the letters and cards that are on my "send these things to people" list
6. Spend 50 hours improving my Irish and old-timey fiddling
7. Spend 50 hours practicing the guitar
8. Complete a 100 day burpee challenge
9. Complete the 100 Happy Days challenge on Instagram
10. Do one thing every day that I have never done before
11. Complete my LinkedIn profile (and make it absolutely kick ass)
12. Write and publish 35 blog posts
13. Write 7 food-based articles/papers
14. Read 5 books of at least 200 pages
15. Sell 100 pieces of Silver Hilltops Designs jewelry
16. Write and send 5 letters to inspirational women in the world
17. Go to the gym 35 times
18. Complete 30 swimming workouts
19. Run 150 miles
20. Master 5 Julia Child recipes

Now these are certainly not going to be easy - definitely some of them, I'm already wondering if I can get them all the way completed in that space of time.  But 100 days isn't nothing - and I'd like to think that if I can stay motivated, I can do all of these things.  (I mean, look at this - already today, I've done 1 burpee, I've gone to the gym, I've written a blog post, I've instagrammed my happy moment, and I've learned something new.)

WHEW!

Let's see how this next 99 days goes….keep me accountable, internet!

-Bethy

It's a New Year! 2014!

So, you knew there would be one - a New Year's post, a resolution post, all the lists of things that I thought I was going to do in 2013.

Well, at the risk of being melodramatic, if you know anything about my life at all, you know that where my life was headed at the beginning and end of 2013 couldn't be more different.  And so, in respect to those changes, some of which I take responsibility for, and others which happened to me, I'm not going to go over last year's list and evaluate myself according to a standard that no longer exists.

Instead, I'm going to proudly state some of the things that I did in 2013.  I did these things to become a better, kinder, smarter, fitter, more amazing me.  And I'm pretty convinced that it worked.

In 2013...

I RAN A MARATHON!

You wouldn't believe me if I told you how happy I was
during this entire race...it was more than a little weird.

If you had told me a year ago that I would finish a marathon, I probably would have laughed and said that it was a fun idea, but that it was probably not the most realistic thing that I had ever thought of.  Fast-forward to September 28th, mile 25, and this picture is what you get.  I will publicly admit that if Chris had not dumped me, I would have never have done this.  I wouldn't have grasped at something, anything to make my life make sense again - a challenge that, in truth, I myself didn't even take seriously until about June.  Regardless of reason, I found myself in training for this race.  I found my strength, I found my willpower.  I identified the places in my life where I had been sweeping things under the rug and I unearthed them.

It seems so incredibly cliche to say that training for this race gave me all those things.  Probably it is.  But I don't care.  Because conquering something so impossible allowed me to believe that I can do the same with other "impossible" things.

And then I finished the marathon.  I had run the whole thing, no walking.  I had passed people who looked more fit than me.  I sang while running.  And I was so filled with joy through it all that I couldn't help but but smile.  I crossed the finish line with "I got the eye of the tiger, the fighter, dancing through the fire, cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar" blasting into my ears four hours, 43 minutes, and 45 seconds after I crossed the same line to start the race.

It remains, to this day, the proudest moment of my life.  (Probably that'll change when I have a kid, but it'll be there until then...)

I DISCOVERED WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!

Like serious, actual dream-job type stuff.  Like if I could have the best job that I could ever imagine for the rest of my life.  

Now WHOA THERE.  I'm not saying that I have this job, or that I know who does, or even that this job exists...but I know what it is I want to do, and where and how that job will fit into the food world, and knowing what I want is most of the battle.  For more information on how I've been destroying "impossible" things and making them work for me, see above entry about marathon running.  :)

I STARTED WEARING MY HAIR DOWN MORE!

I have long hair.  I've always had long hair.  And I love my long hair.  But it can get in the way sometimes...

In 2013, I really started to wear my hair down in everyday life, not just for holidays...for proof...

February - tromping around in Nemo snow

March - at a party with my cousin Courtney

October - the three Irish lasses reunite for SB's fabulous wedding

October - with USF besties around the North End

May - beers after the Brooklyn half-marathon

I HIKED!

I'm just going to say it.  I never thought I would love to hike.  And there was a lot of potential for this love of hiking that happened at the end of 2011 and in 2012 in North Carolina.  But for whatever reason, I wouldn't admit to myself that it was something that I enjoyed doing and wanted to do more of.  Sure, while I was hiking I'd like it, but there was something about the thought of it before I went that didn't appeal to me.  Yeah, I know.  I didn't understand it either.  Well - that's all changed now.

For evidence, I give you this:

BOOM.

Ok, ok, ok.  So that's all good and fine.  All those things I did.  Sure.  So what's to come you ask?

Well, lots.

LOTS.

I'm always setting goals, making lists, etc etc etc.  And 2014 will be no different.

Here are my New Year's Resolutions for 2014:

1.  In 2014, I will do something new every day.

That sounds ridiculous.  And hard.  And maybe impossible.  But I'm going to try.  I'm writing them all down, and on December 31, I will have a list of 365 things that I did in 2014 that I had never done before in my life.  They don't have to be big things, they don't have to be extravagant or expensive or even good or fun things.  But everyday, I'm going to stretch my human experience and let something new in.

2.  In 2014, I will (finally!) open up my esty shop.

You guys - it's so close.  And yes, I know that I've been saying that for (literally) years.  But it's going to happen this year.  Probably in like a month or so...keep your eyes peeled for that one.

3.  In 2014, I will try to be better at keeping in touch with people who I love who don't live near me.

This is something that I've been wanting to get better at, but maybe I just needed a little New Year push.  I have so many friends that I love more than anything else in the world.  But I am busy, and sometimes I justify keeping less contact with them because of that busyness.  Well, I'm just going to call myself out on this one.  That's bullshit.  I need to be better at showing the people that I love that I love them - from across the city, state, nation, or world.

4.  In 2014, I will give online dating a good, honest, solid, uncynical try.

Ugh.  I know.  But hey - I'm 26, I'm not getting any younger, and then gentlemen in bars in this area aren't the greatest...so, I've decided that I need to give online dating an uncynical try.  For 3 months, I will actually try to do this without being a sourpuss about it.  We'll see, haha.

4.  In 2014, I will create things.

I know.  This sounds super hippie and ambiguous.  Well, I was thinking a few months ago about high school.  When I was in high school, I had a poem published in a poetry anthology, I choreographed a dance concert, and I wrote a piece of music for a string trio.  I created things.  All the time.  And I don't do that anymore.  That needs to change.  Now my life consists of writing academic papers and reading scholarship.  Which is great, but not if it comes at the expense of putting my own artistic creativity out into the world.  So, my goal is to create something every month of 2014.  To write or play or dance or draw or or or....to do something, to make something.

In all, if 2014 turns out to be anything like the last 5 months of 2013, I'm in for a wild, amazing ride.  I'm excited.  Bring it on, 2014!

Love, Bethy

Epic Diamond

I’m going on a road trip.  (Well, ok, technically, I’m already on it, but whatever.)  My friend from home, James, is coming to Boston, and we’re going to explore the Northeast the right way – by renting a car, and driving place to place to place for 5 days, weaving in and out of 4 different states, sleeping in the back of the car, and seeing parts of Canada as well as the US. 

Thursday was my last day of work at Clover.  It was time for me to leave the truck, and I have so many feelings about not getting up early every morning, and spending 8 hours a day slapping together gorgeous sandwiches, plating and baking barbeque seitan, and running lunch rushes like a beast.  I’ve spent the last 11 months learning, growing, and leading on that truck at MIT, and I’m honestly going to miss it a lot.  But, life moves on, and it was time for me to do the same. 

So, what better to do with a new life of unemployment (hopefully not for too long!) than to see a huge part of New England and Canada that I’ve never explored right before classes begin again??  Now this is what I call FUNemployment!

Our route begins and ends at home in Allston, and fans out to a huge diamond shape, with Allston at the bottom.  Our stops include:

-Concord, NH (because James and I are HUGE state capitol nerds)

-Montpelier, VT (same reason)

-Waterbury, VT (Ben and Jerry’s factory!  And to have some Heady Topper!)

-Burlington, VT (I want to show him one of my favorite places on the east coast)

-Montreal, Canada (I’ve never been there, and haven’t been out of the country in too long – it’s time for a little international flavor)

-Quebec City, Canada (same reason + POUTINE)

-Mt. Katahdin, Maine (epic climbing adventure)

-Portland, Maine (I love Portland, and I haven’t been there yet since moving to Boston a year ago, plus lobster rolls.  I need not say any more.)

Yeah.  It’s a lot.  This was pretty much a crazy “where do you want to go in New England?”  “Um, I don’t know, how about ALL these places??”  “Ok.”  kind of conversation that completely materialized in the best way. 

As always, I’m finding all the foodie type topics and places, and issues to be popping out at me, proving once again to myself that I’m DEFINITELY in the right Masters program…

Love it.

-Bethy 

The Freshman

When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks's worth of
Valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

hey yeah 
hey yeah
hey yeah 

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our
Heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to
Slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
We were merely freshmen

life these days...

is a emotive and confusing thing.

I am relearning how to exist on a different plane, and in a different place than I have for the last two and a half years, and say what you will about the ups and down that had been happening in the recent months, this time it's different, and this time it's real.

Where my brain is at in terms of life plan has had to change in a huge way, faster than I could have ever imagined, just to keep up with what's going on in real life.  It's terrifying.  At times, it feels so contrived, that it can't be true, and I wake up from daymares to realize that yes, this is what has happened.

I am not unsure about my own self-worth, or my ability to take on the world.  That does not mean I'm not confused, not scared, not furious at feeling at one time both sadness and anger at this change.  I thought things were more clear, and yet it seems that I have to explain the explanations - that for all the clear clarifications in the world still left gaps.

And saying that I'm "sad" does my feelings no justice.  I am so much more than "sad"  and so much less.  And I have leaned on everyone I can, for ever time a shoulder has been offered, I've needed one.

The Bethy that existed before doesn't anymore, and she won't be back.  As fresh, as hurtful as this is, it lends itself to stitching up my own heart, piece by piece, in hopes that someday I'll be able to call it complete again.

I don't know when that will be...I hope sooner rather than later...but I don't know.

Bear with me.

and in the end

and in the end
the love you take
is equal to
the love
you make

this is my life

split into pieces
segments
at times making no sense

when the point is hidden
not to be realized for days
weeks
years

years.

friendships that vary
from solid starts
to rocky roads
and those that lie in between
sitting, like rocks that you can't quite tell if they're going to support your weight
or tip when you step, sliding down to a more steady place

when they don't, it's usually not a surprise
but when they do...

it feels amazing.

who would have thought...

     8 years ago today, I was a senior in high school.  I had just decided that I would be going to the University of San Francisco for Performing Arts and Social Justice in the fall, and I was excited...and absolutely terrified.  I had never lived anywhere except Lacey, WA, the only international trip I had ever gone on was to Canada, and I had never flown on a plane by myself.
     I would have never guessed that 8 years later I would be sitting here, in Boston, in graduate school - after living in and loving California, Ireland, Mexico, Alaska, New Jersey, and North Carolina.  How could I have imagined moving myself, my life, my things across the country - and world - so many times, and finding the most excellent people on my journeys.  I had no idea...
   
     That 17 year old senior had no clue what it was like to get her heart broken (like REALLY broken), though she thought she had a good idea...she had no idea how her perceptions of herself, ever growing, ever changing, would make her a stronger person.  She didn't realize that not everything is black and white, and that just because it's not right for her, that doesn't mean it's wrong for someone else.
     But most of all, she had no way of knowing just how strong she could be.  Lacey, it turns out, didn't push her much.  But the other places did.  And she responded to the pushing and the pulling by being more flexible than that 17 year old ever thought was possible.  (And then, when the time for flexibility was over, she stood up strong, and took no one's crap).
     Some of the things that used to make her heart dance still do, and she had discovered a whole host of other things that bring her joy.  She couldn't have known that the joys would get better, and the disappointments would get worse, but that, after a while, this wouldn't be a surprise anymore.
     She would be able to advocate for herself in times of stress or confrontation.  She would still feel like crying if she felt confronted, but she would eventually stop being embarrassed about it, and would be able to own her tears, and stop them from weakening her.  She would find that the emotional freedom that comes from crying is worth its weight in gold.
     And she didn't realize that time goes so fast, and that's not a reason to hide inside and hoard it, but instead to take it all in and make as much of it as she can.  Cause life - it's happening.  And you never know when that's going to end.  Carpe Diem, 17 year old Bethy.  These last 8 years have been fucking amazing.  Here's to a whole bunch more...

Love, Bethy

PS.  There is one thing that the 17 year old was really good at, though, that the 25 year old is very good at too - procrastinating on homework, hahaha.  No, but seriously.  Ugh.
   

settle?

Sometimes I get really exhausted.

I was thinking about North Carolina last night, as I was falling asleep, and it occurred to me that the 10 months I spent there - living, working, doing online classes, hanging out with friends - in some respects it doesn't feel very real.  I remember leaving New Jersey after my JV year, and thinking that I couldn't possibly be moving again, and that although I didn't know what the hell I wanted to do with my life, or where I wanted to be, I was getting so. damn. tired.  Just so tired of moving, of uprooting myself, and that the excitement of packing everything up and going on yet another adventure was waning.

And since that move away from Newark in 2010, I've done it 3 more times.  Newark to Bethel, Bethel to Boone, Boone to Lacey, Lacey to Boston.

I'm tired.

I still love the adventure, but as I begin 2013 (with a little better idea of what I want to do with my life, but with the same amount of hopelessness in regards to where I can find a job like that), it also occurs to  me that making friends, feeling at home in each new place is getting harder.  And for me, who exists the best with expansive support systems, feeling that isolation, even in the midst of a super busy life, is hard.

I have this incredibly full life in Boston - school (classes at BU and online classes) and work are enough to take up more than 30 hours a day, but it's hard not to romanticize the days when I felt more included in a social group and less like someone who has friends at work and friends at school and friends who I can call occasionally to get a drink (if I ever have the time) but no one who can fit in all these places.  I miss having people around me who know enough about all the different facets of my life to understand stories I tell about my horrendous day at work, or that time I got blackout at the bar and fell down on the sidewalk, or how I'm having a hard time handling the workload in Anthro. (true story - this class hasn't even started yet, but we got the syllabus, I'm terrified.)

And this work is probably of my own making.  And I hope that as 2013 surges ahead, I'm able to help myself do this - I can't hide under the mask of "this is my first semester and I'm just trying to get the lay of the land" anymore.  I'll need to own up to the feelings of "I miss my sister" and "I miss my boyfriend" and "I miss my high school/college/Ireland/Bethel/JVC friends" because they have existed in their contexts, and perhaps I just need to buck up and create a context for Boston.  I know that there are people out there in this big city that love me, and I know that, in this respect, I need to push past the exhaustion - maybe just this one more time.  (hahaHA ok, let's be real - one more time??  Even I'm not delusional enough to believe that...)

Forever on the run,
Bethy

A very non-Christmassy poem I wrote on Christmas

And the answer might be…

Because these are things that happened,

These are moments that were real.

And erasing the proof doesn’t erase the past

Or the memory

Or the experience.

They still exist in the history of the universe –

Forever to contain the potential of the moment.

I am grateful the memories stopped when they did,

That things were not prolonged.

You served me and I tried to serve you

As a valuable life lesson –

One that, while short, was not always sweet

While fast-paced, never seemed harried.

One completely necessary for the freedom

To move on

To move up

To seek something more

Something better.

And to realize the value of you

And be able to say thanks

Instead of reaching for curses and slurs to protect my pride.

You showed me love but it was not the love I needed

You showed me respect but it came with strings

You showed me how to be who I am with someone who had expectations for me as well.

And there is no repayment.

There were tears,

There were drunken phone calls.

There were yelling matches and whispered promises.

And there is now quiet

And peace.

To say Thank You.

I’m Done.

And Goodbye.

Same Love

In our last class on Monday, my policy and systems professor, who is absolutely amazing (and one of the most academically recognized and respected people I know) spoke to the class about the importance of the food systems analysis we'd been trying to understand all semester.

She spoke about human rights and human right to food and water.  She's been working on high profile cases for years, and is well known in human rights advocate circles.

And then she spoke passionately about the civil rights movement, and how she had watched it, from the beginning, and seen it transform the world.

And all I could think of was this:

I hope that some day, and some day soon, the pockets of people that believe that others cannot love whoever they want will not exist.  Until that happens, I will fight for love - anyone and everyone's love.

Love, Bethy

different time, same place

No one talks about
the chances you didn't take
the things you didn't say
the "wait..." that never came

No one seems to realize
the hesitation is sometimes
the most important part
of it all

That it's hard to say
Words that stick in your throat
don't ever come out as easily
as you want them too

trying to use "I need"s and "I feel"s
in order not to offend
when all you really want to do is scream
and shake
and sob
and know why

Being here before doesn't make it easier
if anything, it's harder to look around and realize
you're back
and the landscape hasn't changed

Still stuck
still ending up in this place
even though circumstances couldn't be more different
the question asks itself:

Is it me?

Musical Punctuation

     Yesterday, I had a long day.  A very long day.

     And, to be honest, I didn't start it the most well-rested...Monday night, I slept in four to five 20-30 minute increments trying to finish papers for school, so by Tuesday morning, I was getting pretty loopy already.

     I got to work a few minutes early and sucked down some coffee before getting on the truck.  Normally, I work from 8 to 4, but I had a dentist appointment at 4:15 all the way across town, so I left the truck at 3:00.

     Now generally, after I leave work, I am so exhausted I can hardly stand, much less focus on anything, and this time, though I left early, I was just trying to get to the dentist on time.  I got on the red line from work, transferred at Park St, and instead of getting on the green line home, I walked to Downtown Crossing, relishing the warm air in the underground tunnel that normally is stifling and too hot, as it seeped into my bones.  (One thing that I didn't think about when I got the job on the food truck was, um, winter.  It's freaking cold on that truck.)

     So I'm standing on the Platform for the orange line towards Forest Hills.  This particular train/station is pretty well known for having at least one homeless man with a guitar wailing a Jesus-themed song (usually quite badly) at the top of his lungs.  And as I looked around with my glassy eyes, I saw a man...with a guitar...sitting and preparing to sing.  I anticipated the worst.

     ...and I received a gift.

     This man started playing the guitar, and some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard poured out of it.  His playing was technically good, but more than that, there was such emotion and soul coming out of his instrument.

     And all I could do was stand and watch him, and wait for my train.  And I'm sure that if I didn't have to get to the dentist, I would have missed the next one that came, on purpose just to listen to this man for longer.  The tension started pouring out of me, and I just stood.

     The rest of the day was not quite as stress-free as I would have liked it to be...but at the end of the day, that music, just for the few minutes that it was in my life, took a day that could have been all stress, and punctuated it with music.  It was beautiful, it was life-giving, and it was a perhaps not-so-subtle reminder that maybe I should ride the orange line more often...

Love, Bethy

Dry Fall

It was a dry fall

Hardly enough rain to satisfy her Northwest roots

The leaves crunched under her feet as they pounded down the pavement

She watched him leave

Bag slung over his shoulder like a jaunty cowboy

It was a sight she was familiar with

She’d seen it before.

Too many times before.

It must have been love

Or something just like it

Because she’d never wanted something so badly

And been willing to work as hard as she possibly could for it.

The fear that it still wouldn’t be enough was paralyzing

And she couldn’t breathe for fear of upsetting a delicate balance

 - one that in reality, hadn’t existed for a while…

At the end, it turned out to be a waiting game

Continuing to go on, waiting to see when their paths would cross again

Always waiting waiting waiting for something that would just happen

Spontaneously, as if neither of them had any control

It was a dry fall

And she turned away from him walking away from her.

She couldn’t watch it again

For fear that her tears would trigger the rain.

Mornings

I can hear the birds chirping. Loudly. And honestly, as anyone who has ever lived with me knows, that is absolutely not normal. I am as big of a tried and true night owl as anyone has ever been, and damn proud of it. But this morning, despite falling into bed at 2am, I awoke early, with Chris as he was running out the door to an early class. And I will admit there is something to seeing the sun crest over the mountains, coloring the lawn to ready the world for the day. And it wasn't until I heard the birds singing that I realized how I so rarely hear them.

The application to NYU is due Wednesday. I suppose I'm freaking out about it enough that I don't even know what to do with myself. I've freaked myself out into a calm-like state of perpetual anxiety. That sounds like an oxymoron, but I promise you - it's not. It just leads to completely random screaming and crying in some attempt to let out a volcano of pent up emotions somewhat akin to pouring boiling vinegar into a bottle of baking soda. BOOM. Random and explosive...just ask Chris.

Of course, everything that should have been done weeks ago isn't completely finished. I pray that my Canadian transcripts get here soon, and that NYU has a third-person grace period. Other than that, I'm relying on lots of prayer. (Hey - I'm at least super-proud of myself that I managed to ask for letters of recommendation in a timely manner - if that's not a bonus, I don't know what is!) But seriously folks - if actually going to grad school is half as hard as applying to grad school, I might just do ok. :)

Of course, after Wednesday, the work isn't over. Montana State's deadline is Feb. 15th, and Boston's is March 1. Antioch accepts applications on a rolling basis, but I'd like to get them all done roughly the same time so I'm not dragging it out, so I've given myself a deadline of March 15th for Antioch.

I started my new Canadian class too, and HOO-BOY, it's a doozey! I'm not sure that I've had to read anything that dense since college, and, because I was a Performing Arts and Theology major, possibly not even then. I opened my assigned chapter on Food Policy, and found myself having to look up economics terms on Wikipedia to make it through the introduction to the chapter. Wikipedia was a little bit of help...until under the definition of the word, I found a math problem. WHAT?!?!?! A math problem?!?!?! WTF is going on here? Ugh. It was a rough night last night.

In other news, Chris got accepted to an internship in Anchorage this summer. He'll be leaving probably early May, and may not be back until right before school starts in August. That leaves me with more possibilities than I thought for the summer. And, as of right now, that what it all is - with nothing set in stone, all I have is possibility. It's terrifying. Just as it's been every. time. Every year, every change, every time. It's exciting, yes. It's scary, yes. And though I grow weary of it, I wouldn't deny my callings just to stay put. And I hope and pray that I will know when that time presents itself to stay somewhere. I hope I recognize it. Because I'm not really sure I've experienced it before. Ever.

There are times when I feel like my heart is literally going to explode out of my chest. There are times when something is so beautiful it hurts to breathe because I imagine that the tiniest change in the air would destroy everything. This feeling is from shedding pieces of myself - every person, every place, every experience. Some people get bigger parts of me, some get small ones...some return them back to owner. Living without a full heart hurts, yet I'm sure it hurts less than living a life never giving your heart to other people...other places...other experiences.

I can't imagine a life like that.