Emo poetry gots to go!

Uuuuuuugh.  This blog is so emo-y these days.  I sincerely apologize for that.  Gross.

While I totally support my own emotional needs to be sad, and mad, and weepy, I honestly don't think that I need to emote all over you guys.  Everything that has happened/been happening with Chris over the last two months is done, it's final, and while I know that I'm not going to be "moving on" anytime soon, I need to turn to another medium for my terrible "I'll never love again"/"my entire life plan was just decimated in a conversation on the way to the airport" sappy poetry.  So...

I'm so busy these days.  And perhaps in the interest of just being me, and the need to be busy, and partly in the interest of attempting to keep my mind off of being sad, I'm totally overloading myself.

BUT, it won't be that way forever (HA!).  And I have plans galore for this blog.  LOTS OF PLANS.

Like making it really focused on food and food issues (because, come on, I mean, that's what I'm all into these days) and other things.

But mostly that I'm going to take a short break from this blog, in order to finish my online class, finish my BU classes, and take a fucking breath for a hot second.

Don't panic.  I'll be back before you know it.  Seriously.

Love, Bethy

and in the end

and in the end
the love you take
is equal to
the love
you make

settle?

Sometimes I get really exhausted.

I was thinking about North Carolina last night, as I was falling asleep, and it occurred to me that the 10 months I spent there - living, working, doing online classes, hanging out with friends - in some respects it doesn't feel very real.  I remember leaving New Jersey after my JV year, and thinking that I couldn't possibly be moving again, and that although I didn't know what the hell I wanted to do with my life, or where I wanted to be, I was getting so. damn. tired.  Just so tired of moving, of uprooting myself, and that the excitement of packing everything up and going on yet another adventure was waning.

And since that move away from Newark in 2010, I've done it 3 more times.  Newark to Bethel, Bethel to Boone, Boone to Lacey, Lacey to Boston.

I'm tired.

I still love the adventure, but as I begin 2013 (with a little better idea of what I want to do with my life, but with the same amount of hopelessness in regards to where I can find a job like that), it also occurs to  me that making friends, feeling at home in each new place is getting harder.  And for me, who exists the best with expansive support systems, feeling that isolation, even in the midst of a super busy life, is hard.

I have this incredibly full life in Boston - school (classes at BU and online classes) and work are enough to take up more than 30 hours a day, but it's hard not to romanticize the days when I felt more included in a social group and less like someone who has friends at work and friends at school and friends who I can call occasionally to get a drink (if I ever have the time) but no one who can fit in all these places.  I miss having people around me who know enough about all the different facets of my life to understand stories I tell about my horrendous day at work, or that time I got blackout at the bar and fell down on the sidewalk, or how I'm having a hard time handling the workload in Anthro. (true story - this class hasn't even started yet, but we got the syllabus, I'm terrified.)

And this work is probably of my own making.  And I hope that as 2013 surges ahead, I'm able to help myself do this - I can't hide under the mask of "this is my first semester and I'm just trying to get the lay of the land" anymore.  I'll need to own up to the feelings of "I miss my sister" and "I miss my boyfriend" and "I miss my high school/college/Ireland/Bethel/JVC friends" because they have existed in their contexts, and perhaps I just need to buck up and create a context for Boston.  I know that there are people out there in this big city that love me, and I know that, in this respect, I need to push past the exhaustion - maybe just this one more time.  (hahaHA ok, let's be real - one more time??  Even I'm not delusional enough to believe that...)

Forever on the run,
Bethy

Results of the 24 of 24...

A year ago, I set 24 goals for myself - just to see what would happen.  I'm not sure I thought I would be able to do all of them, but at least with 24 I was bound to get one or two done within the course of the year.  Now that I'm 25, let's see how things shook out...

The 24 of 24

1. Blog at least once a week

      Hahahahaha - well, this DEFINITELY didn't happen.  At all.  I got a little better at the beginning of 2012, but there was so much going on, blogging didn't make the cut of important things (ya know, like finding a job in North Carolina and having enough money to pay for groceries)...

2. Do some kind of exercise at least 20 minutes a day

    Also no - although I did run a 10 mile race in May, and am currently training for a sprint Tri in August.

3. Learn how to sew well enough to make a (cute) skirt

    Nope.  Wow, I'm not doing to well here, am I?

4. Win a game of Settlers of Catan

      0/4.  Although, honestly, after I moved away from Bethel, Chris and I didn't have access to the game at all, so....ok, yeah, still didn't do it.  

5. Successfully craft something and sell it

    YES!  Over the fall I turned my depression over being unemployed with no money and Gus just dying into making earrings until my fingers bled and watching the entire series of Frasier on Netflix - I went to one craft fair in December of 2011, and sold almost $200 worth of earrings.  It was so amazing to see people look at something that I had made and then PAY me for it!  I'm considering opening an etsy shop...I've still got hundreds of pairs already made and ready for you to wear!  :)

6. Allow Chris to teach me one outdoor activity and do it with him on some sort of consistent basis

    I feel like this one is a yes and a no.  There wasn't much consistency going on in Boone - mostly because I had a wack schedule that I had no control over, and Chris had a school schedule that couldn't have been any more full.  However - we did go on hikes as much as we could, and I do actually feel like I have a new and better appreciation for hiking than I did before...so this one's not a complete bust, haha.

7. Make a batch of homemade cheese

    You know, I totally forgot about this one - and completely coincidentally about 3 weeks ago, I made homemade ricotta just because I found the recipe and it looked fun.  Turns out, it was heaven in a bowl - so I spiced it up and made lasagna the next week.  Best.  Ever.  

8. Brew my own beer

    Didn't get to this one.  And honestly, I doubt that I'll be able to for a while while I'm in Boston...but you never know...

9. Purchase a pig and kill it myself

     I would have gotten this one if it wasn't so damn expensive.  But I'm not giving up.  This is getting directly translated to my 25 of 25.

10. Successfully grow a garden

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.  no.

11. Make homemade powdered hot chocolate packets

    I did do this one.  Once.  Turns out, I couldn't find any powdered milk that wasn't nonfat.  And that while it did make hot cocoa, the milk wouldn't melt right, and it just didn't work the way I wanted it to - so did do it, but won't be doing it again.

12. Live with a dog

     I got to do this one for a month...the last week of which was the hardest week ever.  Gus died in September, so our time together was sweet, but way way WAY too short...

13. Visit the Four Corners

       Yes!  When Chris and I took the big trek out to Boone, I had a laundry list of places I wanted to see and the Four Corners (where Utah, Colorado, Arizona, and New Mexico all meet) was on there.  I took my jumprope, and jumped in every state and then over all the state lines.  It.  Was.  Awesome.

14. Make a rug out of knotted T-shirt remnants
     Nope.  No details, just nope.

15. Reunite with my four Newark JVC roommates
     I did do this - Kelli got married in November, so we all got together and spent 3 days of absolute madness all over NYC/NJ.  It was a very Newark trip, complete with suits two sizes too small, hangovers that were almost killed us, and exposed boobs in the church parking lot.  Oh dear.  It was the best.

16. Do an overnight backpacking trip with Chris
     We didn't get a chance to do this one - we tried, but with his schedule and my schedule, it just never happened.  I'm still hoping that we can sometime, but life just gets too damn busy...we'll see...

17. Get fitted for a bra that actually fits me
     Yeah right...this probably still needs to be a goal....

18. Make a homemade facial mask
     Honestly, I'm a little surprised that I didn't get to this one - I have been doing a lot more of this kind of stuff, so really, if I had remembered, I probably would have done it, but I didn't.  Oh well.

19. Perfect my braided challah recipe
     Nope.

20. Hug at least one person everyday
     I tried on this one - living in Boone, it was pretty hard, so probably I didn't get one EVERYday, but I go a little nuts if I don't get enough hugs, so...

21. Own (and actually use) a Neti-Pot
      No.

22. Run another half marathon in less time than 2:11
     I didn't get to one this summer - I did a 10 mile in May, but no half.  :(

23. Take a picture that gets published somewhere
     Nope.

24. Never go to bed angry
     HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Yeah right.  Honorable effort on that one, but let's be real...

How I did:  8/24.  
How I might have done if I had actually looked at this list at some point during the year and tried to do some of the things: probably around 15 or 16...

Basically, I just need to remember that things like this are here - otherwise it's just pretty random what I'm crossing off and what I'm not...

Ehh...shall I make a 25 list??

Love, Bethy

Mornings

I can hear the birds chirping. Loudly. And honestly, as anyone who has ever lived with me knows, that is absolutely not normal. I am as big of a tried and true night owl as anyone has ever been, and damn proud of it. But this morning, despite falling into bed at 2am, I awoke early, with Chris as he was running out the door to an early class. And I will admit there is something to seeing the sun crest over the mountains, coloring the lawn to ready the world for the day. And it wasn't until I heard the birds singing that I realized how I so rarely hear them.

The application to NYU is due Wednesday. I suppose I'm freaking out about it enough that I don't even know what to do with myself. I've freaked myself out into a calm-like state of perpetual anxiety. That sounds like an oxymoron, but I promise you - it's not. It just leads to completely random screaming and crying in some attempt to let out a volcano of pent up emotions somewhat akin to pouring boiling vinegar into a bottle of baking soda. BOOM. Random and explosive...just ask Chris.

Of course, everything that should have been done weeks ago isn't completely finished. I pray that my Canadian transcripts get here soon, and that NYU has a third-person grace period. Other than that, I'm relying on lots of prayer. (Hey - I'm at least super-proud of myself that I managed to ask for letters of recommendation in a timely manner - if that's not a bonus, I don't know what is!) But seriously folks - if actually going to grad school is half as hard as applying to grad school, I might just do ok. :)

Of course, after Wednesday, the work isn't over. Montana State's deadline is Feb. 15th, and Boston's is March 1. Antioch accepts applications on a rolling basis, but I'd like to get them all done roughly the same time so I'm not dragging it out, so I've given myself a deadline of March 15th for Antioch.

I started my new Canadian class too, and HOO-BOY, it's a doozey! I'm not sure that I've had to read anything that dense since college, and, because I was a Performing Arts and Theology major, possibly not even then. I opened my assigned chapter on Food Policy, and found myself having to look up economics terms on Wikipedia to make it through the introduction to the chapter. Wikipedia was a little bit of help...until under the definition of the word, I found a math problem. WHAT?!?!?! A math problem?!?!?! WTF is going on here? Ugh. It was a rough night last night.

In other news, Chris got accepted to an internship in Anchorage this summer. He'll be leaving probably early May, and may not be back until right before school starts in August. That leaves me with more possibilities than I thought for the summer. And, as of right now, that what it all is - with nothing set in stone, all I have is possibility. It's terrifying. Just as it's been every. time. Every year, every change, every time. It's exciting, yes. It's scary, yes. And though I grow weary of it, I wouldn't deny my callings just to stay put. And I hope and pray that I will know when that time presents itself to stay somewhere. I hope I recognize it. Because I'm not really sure I've experienced it before. Ever.

Candles

After my birthday party on Saturday night, Chris tells me "you know - this is a really important birthday you just had." Yes...I mean, we're moving to North Carolina together, I'm leaving Bethel again, I'm trying to get a job in the field that I'm interested in, etc. There's lots of reasons why this birthday is an important one. "I know - but what one reason do you mean?" I asked.

"This is the last birthday that you can have the right number of candles with only one package - they only come up to packages of 24."

Uh...thanks boyfriend.

-Bethy