New News (Almost!) And Other Things on the Horizon...

Holy moley there are a lot of things going on these days, all while not much is going on.  (For a perfect example, right now I've settled into the lifestyle of my 63 and almost 77 year old parents - waking up early, running errands, going to the gym, making dinner, in bed by 9:30.  It's not a bad life, but it's also good when I can break out and have some social time with people who don't qualify for senior citizen discounts…)

That said, there a life change that is coming (details have to be ironed out before I tell them all, but it's going to be pretty cool, I promise), and because I have some time before that opportunity starts, I've made a few goals to be completed in the interim.

I've got about 100 days to be here, in Lacey, spending time with my parents, and being able to focus on some things that sometimes fall by the wayside when I'm living elsewhere.  These goals are pretty damn optimistic, but that's at least partly why I'm putting them out there on the interwebs.  Group accountability, or peer pressure to not fuck up, as it's also called.

So today is September 10, and 100 days from now is December 18.  By then, I would like to say that I have achieved all these goals, and I do truly believe that if I do, I'll be in a great (and way better) place, mentally, emotionally, and physically to begin the next adventure.  Ready?  Here we go…

By December 18, 2015, I will:

1. Finish the School Nutrition class I am currently enrolled in
2. Begin and finish the Childhood Wellness class that is the second in that certificate program
3. Plan, write, and layout my coffee table book - get everything done except getting it published
4. Post all the pictures that I took from my trip over the summer on facebook
5. Send out the letters and cards that are on my "send these things to people" list
6. Spend 50 hours improving my Irish and old-timey fiddling
7. Spend 50 hours practicing the guitar
8. Complete a 100 day burpee challenge
9. Complete the 100 Happy Days challenge on Instagram
10. Do one thing every day that I have never done before
11. Complete my LinkedIn profile (and make it absolutely kick ass)
12. Write and publish 35 blog posts
13. Write 7 food-based articles/papers
14. Read 5 books of at least 200 pages
15. Sell 100 pieces of Silver Hilltops Designs jewelry
16. Write and send 5 letters to inspirational women in the world
17. Go to the gym 35 times
18. Complete 30 swimming workouts
19. Run 150 miles
20. Master 5 Julia Child recipes

Now these are certainly not going to be easy - definitely some of them, I'm already wondering if I can get them all the way completed in that space of time.  But 100 days isn't nothing - and I'd like to think that if I can stay motivated, I can do all of these things.  (I mean, look at this - already today, I've done 1 burpee, I've gone to the gym, I've written a blog post, I've instagrammed my happy moment, and I've learned something new.)

WHEW!

Let's see how this next 99 days goes….keep me accountable, internet!

-Bethy

Scholarly Business

This semester I'm taking a food history class for my program.  Now my father was a history teacher back in the day, and I think a little part of him died when I complained in high school that "but Daaaaadddd, I HATE history…." (whine whine whine complain complain).  

Well, I'll redeem myself now.  We have to write 1,000 word blog posts for this history class on topics in food history - anything we're interested in.  It's been hard to decide what to write about, but I've managed to do four so far.  

There're all here, mine as well as everyone else's in my class, so go to if you're in the mood for some serious (but short! and fun to read!) scholarship.

-Bethy

It's a New Year! 2014!

So, you knew there would be one - a New Year's post, a resolution post, all the lists of things that I thought I was going to do in 2013.

Well, at the risk of being melodramatic, if you know anything about my life at all, you know that where my life was headed at the beginning and end of 2013 couldn't be more different.  And so, in respect to those changes, some of which I take responsibility for, and others which happened to me, I'm not going to go over last year's list and evaluate myself according to a standard that no longer exists.

Instead, I'm going to proudly state some of the things that I did in 2013.  I did these things to become a better, kinder, smarter, fitter, more amazing me.  And I'm pretty convinced that it worked.

In 2013...

I RAN A MARATHON!

You wouldn't believe me if I told you how happy I was
during this entire race...it was more than a little weird.

If you had told me a year ago that I would finish a marathon, I probably would have laughed and said that it was a fun idea, but that it was probably not the most realistic thing that I had ever thought of.  Fast-forward to September 28th, mile 25, and this picture is what you get.  I will publicly admit that if Chris had not dumped me, I would have never have done this.  I wouldn't have grasped at something, anything to make my life make sense again - a challenge that, in truth, I myself didn't even take seriously until about June.  Regardless of reason, I found myself in training for this race.  I found my strength, I found my willpower.  I identified the places in my life where I had been sweeping things under the rug and I unearthed them.

It seems so incredibly cliche to say that training for this race gave me all those things.  Probably it is.  But I don't care.  Because conquering something so impossible allowed me to believe that I can do the same with other "impossible" things.

And then I finished the marathon.  I had run the whole thing, no walking.  I had passed people who looked more fit than me.  I sang while running.  And I was so filled with joy through it all that I couldn't help but but smile.  I crossed the finish line with "I got the eye of the tiger, the fighter, dancing through the fire, cause I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar" blasting into my ears four hours, 43 minutes, and 45 seconds after I crossed the same line to start the race.

It remains, to this day, the proudest moment of my life.  (Probably that'll change when I have a kid, but it'll be there until then...)

I DISCOVERED WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!

Like serious, actual dream-job type stuff.  Like if I could have the best job that I could ever imagine for the rest of my life.  

Now WHOA THERE.  I'm not saying that I have this job, or that I know who does, or even that this job exists...but I know what it is I want to do, and where and how that job will fit into the food world, and knowing what I want is most of the battle.  For more information on how I've been destroying "impossible" things and making them work for me, see above entry about marathon running.  :)

I STARTED WEARING MY HAIR DOWN MORE!

I have long hair.  I've always had long hair.  And I love my long hair.  But it can get in the way sometimes...

In 2013, I really started to wear my hair down in everyday life, not just for holidays...for proof...

February - tromping around in Nemo snow

March - at a party with my cousin Courtney

October - the three Irish lasses reunite for SB's fabulous wedding

October - with USF besties around the North End

May - beers after the Brooklyn half-marathon

I HIKED!

I'm just going to say it.  I never thought I would love to hike.  And there was a lot of potential for this love of hiking that happened at the end of 2011 and in 2012 in North Carolina.  But for whatever reason, I wouldn't admit to myself that it was something that I enjoyed doing and wanted to do more of.  Sure, while I was hiking I'd like it, but there was something about the thought of it before I went that didn't appeal to me.  Yeah, I know.  I didn't understand it either.  Well - that's all changed now.

For evidence, I give you this:

BOOM.

Ok, ok, ok.  So that's all good and fine.  All those things I did.  Sure.  So what's to come you ask?

Well, lots.

LOTS.

I'm always setting goals, making lists, etc etc etc.  And 2014 will be no different.

Here are my New Year's Resolutions for 2014:

1.  In 2014, I will do something new every day.

That sounds ridiculous.  And hard.  And maybe impossible.  But I'm going to try.  I'm writing them all down, and on December 31, I will have a list of 365 things that I did in 2014 that I had never done before in my life.  They don't have to be big things, they don't have to be extravagant or expensive or even good or fun things.  But everyday, I'm going to stretch my human experience and let something new in.

2.  In 2014, I will (finally!) open up my esty shop.

You guys - it's so close.  And yes, I know that I've been saying that for (literally) years.  But it's going to happen this year.  Probably in like a month or so...keep your eyes peeled for that one.

3.  In 2014, I will try to be better at keeping in touch with people who I love who don't live near me.

This is something that I've been wanting to get better at, but maybe I just needed a little New Year push.  I have so many friends that I love more than anything else in the world.  But I am busy, and sometimes I justify keeping less contact with them because of that busyness.  Well, I'm just going to call myself out on this one.  That's bullshit.  I need to be better at showing the people that I love that I love them - from across the city, state, nation, or world.

4.  In 2014, I will give online dating a good, honest, solid, uncynical try.

Ugh.  I know.  But hey - I'm 26, I'm not getting any younger, and then gentlemen in bars in this area aren't the greatest...so, I've decided that I need to give online dating an uncynical try.  For 3 months, I will actually try to do this without being a sourpuss about it.  We'll see, haha.

4.  In 2014, I will create things.

I know.  This sounds super hippie and ambiguous.  Well, I was thinking a few months ago about high school.  When I was in high school, I had a poem published in a poetry anthology, I choreographed a dance concert, and I wrote a piece of music for a string trio.  I created things.  All the time.  And I don't do that anymore.  That needs to change.  Now my life consists of writing academic papers and reading scholarship.  Which is great, but not if it comes at the expense of putting my own artistic creativity out into the world.  So, my goal is to create something every month of 2014.  To write or play or dance or draw or or or....to do something, to make something.

In all, if 2014 turns out to be anything like the last 5 months of 2013, I'm in for a wild, amazing ride.  I'm excited.  Bring it on, 2014!

Love, Bethy

Emo poetry gots to go!

Uuuuuuugh.  This blog is so emo-y these days.  I sincerely apologize for that.  Gross.

While I totally support my own emotional needs to be sad, and mad, and weepy, I honestly don't think that I need to emote all over you guys.  Everything that has happened/been happening with Chris over the last two months is done, it's final, and while I know that I'm not going to be "moving on" anytime soon, I need to turn to another medium for my terrible "I'll never love again"/"my entire life plan was just decimated in a conversation on the way to the airport" sappy poetry.  So...

I'm so busy these days.  And perhaps in the interest of just being me, and the need to be busy, and partly in the interest of attempting to keep my mind off of being sad, I'm totally overloading myself.

BUT, it won't be that way forever (HA!).  And I have plans galore for this blog.  LOTS OF PLANS.

Like making it really focused on food and food issues (because, come on, I mean, that's what I'm all into these days) and other things.

But mostly that I'm going to take a short break from this blog, in order to finish my online class, finish my BU classes, and take a fucking breath for a hot second.

Don't panic.  I'll be back before you know it.  Seriously.

Love, Bethy

life these days...

is a emotive and confusing thing.

I am relearning how to exist on a different plane, and in a different place than I have for the last two and a half years, and say what you will about the ups and down that had been happening in the recent months, this time it's different, and this time it's real.

Where my brain is at in terms of life plan has had to change in a huge way, faster than I could have ever imagined, just to keep up with what's going on in real life.  It's terrifying.  At times, it feels so contrived, that it can't be true, and I wake up from daymares to realize that yes, this is what has happened.

I am not unsure about my own self-worth, or my ability to take on the world.  That does not mean I'm not confused, not scared, not furious at feeling at one time both sadness and anger at this change.  I thought things were more clear, and yet it seems that I have to explain the explanations - that for all the clear clarifications in the world still left gaps.

And saying that I'm "sad" does my feelings no justice.  I am so much more than "sad"  and so much less.  And I have leaned on everyone I can, for ever time a shoulder has been offered, I've needed one.

The Bethy that existed before doesn't anymore, and she won't be back.  As fresh, as hurtful as this is, it lends itself to stitching up my own heart, piece by piece, in hopes that someday I'll be able to call it complete again.

I don't know when that will be...I hope sooner rather than later...but I don't know.

Bear with me.

and in the end

and in the end
the love you take
is equal to
the love
you make

who would have thought...

     8 years ago today, I was a senior in high school.  I had just decided that I would be going to the University of San Francisco for Performing Arts and Social Justice in the fall, and I was excited...and absolutely terrified.  I had never lived anywhere except Lacey, WA, the only international trip I had ever gone on was to Canada, and I had never flown on a plane by myself.
     I would have never guessed that 8 years later I would be sitting here, in Boston, in graduate school - after living in and loving California, Ireland, Mexico, Alaska, New Jersey, and North Carolina.  How could I have imagined moving myself, my life, my things across the country - and world - so many times, and finding the most excellent people on my journeys.  I had no idea...
   
     That 17 year old senior had no clue what it was like to get her heart broken (like REALLY broken), though she thought she had a good idea...she had no idea how her perceptions of herself, ever growing, ever changing, would make her a stronger person.  She didn't realize that not everything is black and white, and that just because it's not right for her, that doesn't mean it's wrong for someone else.
     But most of all, she had no way of knowing just how strong she could be.  Lacey, it turns out, didn't push her much.  But the other places did.  And she responded to the pushing and the pulling by being more flexible than that 17 year old ever thought was possible.  (And then, when the time for flexibility was over, she stood up strong, and took no one's crap).
     Some of the things that used to make her heart dance still do, and she had discovered a whole host of other things that bring her joy.  She couldn't have known that the joys would get better, and the disappointments would get worse, but that, after a while, this wouldn't be a surprise anymore.
     She would be able to advocate for herself in times of stress or confrontation.  She would still feel like crying if she felt confronted, but she would eventually stop being embarrassed about it, and would be able to own her tears, and stop them from weakening her.  She would find that the emotional freedom that comes from crying is worth its weight in gold.
     And she didn't realize that time goes so fast, and that's not a reason to hide inside and hoard it, but instead to take it all in and make as much of it as she can.  Cause life - it's happening.  And you never know when that's going to end.  Carpe Diem, 17 year old Bethy.  These last 8 years have been fucking amazing.  Here's to a whole bunch more...

Love, Bethy

PS.  There is one thing that the 17 year old was really good at, though, that the 25 year old is very good at too - procrastinating on homework, hahaha.  No, but seriously.  Ugh.
   

A very non-Christmassy poem I wrote on Christmas

And the answer might be…

Because these are things that happened,

These are moments that were real.

And erasing the proof doesn’t erase the past

Or the memory

Or the experience.

They still exist in the history of the universe –

Forever to contain the potential of the moment.

I am grateful the memories stopped when they did,

That things were not prolonged.

You served me and I tried to serve you

As a valuable life lesson –

One that, while short, was not always sweet

While fast-paced, never seemed harried.

One completely necessary for the freedom

To move on

To move up

To seek something more

Something better.

And to realize the value of you

And be able to say thanks

Instead of reaching for curses and slurs to protect my pride.

You showed me love but it was not the love I needed

You showed me respect but it came with strings

You showed me how to be who I am with someone who had expectations for me as well.

And there is no repayment.

There were tears,

There were drunken phone calls.

There were yelling matches and whispered promises.

And there is now quiet

And peace.

To say Thank You.

I’m Done.

And Goodbye.

different time, same place

No one talks about
the chances you didn't take
the things you didn't say
the "wait..." that never came

No one seems to realize
the hesitation is sometimes
the most important part
of it all

That it's hard to say
Words that stick in your throat
don't ever come out as easily
as you want them too

trying to use "I need"s and "I feel"s
in order not to offend
when all you really want to do is scream
and shake
and sob
and know why

Being here before doesn't make it easier
if anything, it's harder to look around and realize
you're back
and the landscape hasn't changed

Still stuck
still ending up in this place
even though circumstances couldn't be more different
the question asks itself:

Is it me?

Dry Fall

It was a dry fall

Hardly enough rain to satisfy her Northwest roots

The leaves crunched under her feet as they pounded down the pavement

She watched him leave

Bag slung over his shoulder like a jaunty cowboy

It was a sight she was familiar with

She’d seen it before.

Too many times before.

It must have been love

Or something just like it

Because she’d never wanted something so badly

And been willing to work as hard as she possibly could for it.

The fear that it still wouldn’t be enough was paralyzing

And she couldn’t breathe for fear of upsetting a delicate balance

 - one that in reality, hadn’t existed for a while…

At the end, it turned out to be a waiting game

Continuing to go on, waiting to see when their paths would cross again

Always waiting waiting waiting for something that would just happen

Spontaneously, as if neither of them had any control

It was a dry fall

And she turned away from him walking away from her.

She couldn’t watch it again

For fear that her tears would trigger the rain.

Resolutions

I don't always do too well with my New Year's Resolutions. I tend to make a lot of them, so that if I achieve two or three, I feel that I've accomplished something. This time, I've been thinking about what I want to do in 2012, and I want to do them all. These are not crackpot goals - these are things I need to do in order to become the person that I want to be growing to be. So without further ado...

2012 New Year's Resolutions

1. I WILL WRITE

I will write in my journal, I will write on my blog, I will write letters, I will write poetry, I will work on that novel about my screwed up love life that I started in high school. I will write because though I've been told I'm a good writer, I have never fully believed it, and I have allowed my insecurities from years ago hold me back. No more. In 2012, I will write.

2. I WILL TAKE THE GRE AND APPLY FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL.

...even if I'm not planning to go right now, or don't think I could possibly get in. It's time. It's been three and a half years since I graduated from USF, and my patience with jobs that have little to nothing to do with what I want to do with my life is growing thin. It's time to get learned again, Marybeth. In 2012, I will take the GRE and apply for grad school.

3. I WILL USE UP HEALTH AND BEAUTY PRODUCTS THAT I ALREADY OWN.

If I had a dollar for every little bottle of lotion that I have saved because "I'll use it someday", I wouldn't need to work for my rent money. This year, I will use up those things, and only buy more when what I have is totally gone. Finished. Done. In 2012, I will use up products I already own.

4. I WILL MAKE EXERCISE PART OF MY LIFE.

I struggled with how to word this one, because I honestly want to be able to make it work. Promising daily exercise, while sounding great, in reality doesn't always end up happening, even if I try. I want to have a healthier relationship with my body and my weight, and a new year affords me a chance to start that anew. For years, I have wanted to be one of those girls who works out when she's stressed - no promises on that, but I want to get closer to that than I am now. In 2012, I will exercise.

5. I WILL FLIRT WITH VEGETARIANISM.

I love meat. When I was little, my mother called me her "little carnivore", so I'm not trying to go completely veg here. But the environmental implications of the meat-centered American diet are impossible to ignore. We eat too much meat (I mean, let's be real, we eat too much everything but that includes our obsession with meat at the center of our plates.) As I explore the food world through school, all I find is that I keep thinking of how the world could be healthier (and more people in it could eat) if we all ate a little less meat. It's time to walk the talk. In 2012, I will flirt with vegetarianism.

6. I WILL GIVE YOGA A GOOD HONEST TRY.

And by this, I mean that I will do yoga at least every other day for one month this year, and see if I like it at the end to keep doing it. Yoga is something that I always think I will like, and the times when I do it, I love it - but I have such a hard time committing to any form of exercise. In 2012, I will try yoga.

and last but definitely not least...

7. I WILL WEAR RED LIPSTICK.

...because for years, I have wanted to be someone who can pull that off. ...because I think it looks gorgeous, and I don't want to be so concerned about looking "too fancy". ...and because I wore it last night at the bar I went to for New Years, and for the first time in my life, a stranger offered to buy me a drink. In 2012, I will wear red lipstick.

Love, Bethy