Emo poetry gots to go!

Uuuuuuugh.  This blog is so emo-y these days.  I sincerely apologize for that.  Gross.

While I totally support my own emotional needs to be sad, and mad, and weepy, I honestly don't think that I need to emote all over you guys.  Everything that has happened/been happening with Chris over the last two months is done, it's final, and while I know that I'm not going to be "moving on" anytime soon, I need to turn to another medium for my terrible "I'll never love again"/"my entire life plan was just decimated in a conversation on the way to the airport" sappy poetry.  So...

I'm so busy these days.  And perhaps in the interest of just being me, and the need to be busy, and partly in the interest of attempting to keep my mind off of being sad, I'm totally overloading myself.

BUT, it won't be that way forever (HA!).  And I have plans galore for this blog.  LOTS OF PLANS.

Like making it really focused on food and food issues (because, come on, I mean, that's what I'm all into these days) and other things.

But mostly that I'm going to take a short break from this blog, in order to finish my online class, finish my BU classes, and take a fucking breath for a hot second.

Don't panic.  I'll be back before you know it.  Seriously.

Love, Bethy

settle?

Sometimes I get really exhausted.

I was thinking about North Carolina last night, as I was falling asleep, and it occurred to me that the 10 months I spent there - living, working, doing online classes, hanging out with friends - in some respects it doesn't feel very real.  I remember leaving New Jersey after my JV year, and thinking that I couldn't possibly be moving again, and that although I didn't know what the hell I wanted to do with my life, or where I wanted to be, I was getting so. damn. tired.  Just so tired of moving, of uprooting myself, and that the excitement of packing everything up and going on yet another adventure was waning.

And since that move away from Newark in 2010, I've done it 3 more times.  Newark to Bethel, Bethel to Boone, Boone to Lacey, Lacey to Boston.

I'm tired.

I still love the adventure, but as I begin 2013 (with a little better idea of what I want to do with my life, but with the same amount of hopelessness in regards to where I can find a job like that), it also occurs to  me that making friends, feeling at home in each new place is getting harder.  And for me, who exists the best with expansive support systems, feeling that isolation, even in the midst of a super busy life, is hard.

I have this incredibly full life in Boston - school (classes at BU and online classes) and work are enough to take up more than 30 hours a day, but it's hard not to romanticize the days when I felt more included in a social group and less like someone who has friends at work and friends at school and friends who I can call occasionally to get a drink (if I ever have the time) but no one who can fit in all these places.  I miss having people around me who know enough about all the different facets of my life to understand stories I tell about my horrendous day at work, or that time I got blackout at the bar and fell down on the sidewalk, or how I'm having a hard time handling the workload in Anthro. (true story - this class hasn't even started yet, but we got the syllabus, I'm terrified.)

And this work is probably of my own making.  And I hope that as 2013 surges ahead, I'm able to help myself do this - I can't hide under the mask of "this is my first semester and I'm just trying to get the lay of the land" anymore.  I'll need to own up to the feelings of "I miss my sister" and "I miss my boyfriend" and "I miss my high school/college/Ireland/Bethel/JVC friends" because they have existed in their contexts, and perhaps I just need to buck up and create a context for Boston.  I know that there are people out there in this big city that love me, and I know that, in this respect, I need to push past the exhaustion - maybe just this one more time.  (hahaHA ok, let's be real - one more time??  Even I'm not delusional enough to believe that...)

Forever on the run,
Bethy

Mornings

I can hear the birds chirping. Loudly. And honestly, as anyone who has ever lived with me knows, that is absolutely not normal. I am as big of a tried and true night owl as anyone has ever been, and damn proud of it. But this morning, despite falling into bed at 2am, I awoke early, with Chris as he was running out the door to an early class. And I will admit there is something to seeing the sun crest over the mountains, coloring the lawn to ready the world for the day. And it wasn't until I heard the birds singing that I realized how I so rarely hear them.

The application to NYU is due Wednesday. I suppose I'm freaking out about it enough that I don't even know what to do with myself. I've freaked myself out into a calm-like state of perpetual anxiety. That sounds like an oxymoron, but I promise you - it's not. It just leads to completely random screaming and crying in some attempt to let out a volcano of pent up emotions somewhat akin to pouring boiling vinegar into a bottle of baking soda. BOOM. Random and explosive...just ask Chris.

Of course, everything that should have been done weeks ago isn't completely finished. I pray that my Canadian transcripts get here soon, and that NYU has a third-person grace period. Other than that, I'm relying on lots of prayer. (Hey - I'm at least super-proud of myself that I managed to ask for letters of recommendation in a timely manner - if that's not a bonus, I don't know what is!) But seriously folks - if actually going to grad school is half as hard as applying to grad school, I might just do ok. :)

Of course, after Wednesday, the work isn't over. Montana State's deadline is Feb. 15th, and Boston's is March 1. Antioch accepts applications on a rolling basis, but I'd like to get them all done roughly the same time so I'm not dragging it out, so I've given myself a deadline of March 15th for Antioch.

I started my new Canadian class too, and HOO-BOY, it's a doozey! I'm not sure that I've had to read anything that dense since college, and, because I was a Performing Arts and Theology major, possibly not even then. I opened my assigned chapter on Food Policy, and found myself having to look up economics terms on Wikipedia to make it through the introduction to the chapter. Wikipedia was a little bit of help...until under the definition of the word, I found a math problem. WHAT?!?!?! A math problem?!?!?! WTF is going on here? Ugh. It was a rough night last night.

In other news, Chris got accepted to an internship in Anchorage this summer. He'll be leaving probably early May, and may not be back until right before school starts in August. That leaves me with more possibilities than I thought for the summer. And, as of right now, that what it all is - with nothing set in stone, all I have is possibility. It's terrifying. Just as it's been every. time. Every year, every change, every time. It's exciting, yes. It's scary, yes. And though I grow weary of it, I wouldn't deny my callings just to stay put. And I hope and pray that I will know when that time presents itself to stay somewhere. I hope I recognize it. Because I'm not really sure I've experienced it before. Ever.

blogging (and other things)

I get annoyed when people don't update their blogs.

...yes, I know. I don't update my blog very often. I actually think about blogging more than I do it. It's a problem. But, I like...scratch that...LOVE reading other people's blogs. (Mostly people I know, I don't know, it makes it feel a little less voyeuristic to me). And if I check, and you haven't updated your blog, there's a tiny little piece of me that feels sad. Lame, but true.

ANYWAY, the key to that whole piece there is that I will try to make a concerted effort to blog a little more consistently, just in case there's another wacko like me out there who really feels the need to read my ramblings on a semi-regular basis.

So, recently life has been crazy (no surprise there). Really crazy. I did take the GRE a few days ago. It went ok actually. I mean, I threw myself into a test designed to evaluate one's readiness for graduate studies asking questions about formulas that I haven't even given a second thought about since my senior year of high school. I studied math I haven't seen for 6 years for 6 days before the test. I didn't blow it out of the water, but I was pretty impressed with my score, considering. (Who remembers that one of the "special" right triangles has a ratio of 5:12:13 and has two thumbs??)

THIS GUY!

I also have worn red lipstick 3 times already in the new year! I completely love it, and am so excited that I made that one of my new year's resolutions!!

I also have signed up for another class in my Canadian certificate program. Initially, I wasn't going to - last semester turned out to be a little bit of a clusterfuck in terms of getting everything in, and I definitely wasn't as prepared or present for the class as I should have been. However, I made a little bit of a last minute decision, and signed up on Friday. The class started today, and after reading all the course materials, I know that it's going to be more difficult than the others have been. However, I think that it could be very rewarding as well. And, all in all, it's good preparation for...

Grad school.

Yes, I'm applying to grad school (which is a big part of the "life is crazy" bit). In between working, taking my class, trying to train, and attempting to keep my house warm (and that's the subject of another post entirely) I'm contacting references, ordering transcripts, and working on personal statements for four different grad programs. Now, applying to one grad school is tough. There's a lot that goes into the application, and working with other people's recommendations, and deadlines, and essays...it's a lot. With four, I want to smash my head into a brick wall. Of course, with four different applications comes four different essays, ordering enough transcripts from both USF and St. Lawrence (my Canadian classes), and a dazzling 10 recommendations (3 each for 2 schools, 2 each for the other two). Now, I'd like to think that I would be able to handle that, but here's the rub: every single program has a different format for their recommendations. There's the one with the online form that can only be accessed by registering my recommenders into a website. There's the two schools that have forms that have to be printed and sent in by paper copy, but have completely. different. questions. And then there's the school that just asks for a "letter of recommendation". That's it. No requirements, no guidelines, no nothing. Just a letter.

Trying to work out who I should ask for each school, in each format, by each due date is dizzying. And I really hope that I can get it all done in time. I'll have to write another blog about the programs I'm applying to another time.

And with that, I'm going to go get on that. Because it's almost 10pm, I'm exhausted, my house is a mess, and I have a personal statement to write, haha.

Until next time, (hopefully not too long!)

Bethy

Resolutions

I don't always do too well with my New Year's Resolutions. I tend to make a lot of them, so that if I achieve two or three, I feel that I've accomplished something. This time, I've been thinking about what I want to do in 2012, and I want to do them all. These are not crackpot goals - these are things I need to do in order to become the person that I want to be growing to be. So without further ado...

2012 New Year's Resolutions

1. I WILL WRITE

I will write in my journal, I will write on my blog, I will write letters, I will write poetry, I will work on that novel about my screwed up love life that I started in high school. I will write because though I've been told I'm a good writer, I have never fully believed it, and I have allowed my insecurities from years ago hold me back. No more. In 2012, I will write.

2. I WILL TAKE THE GRE AND APPLY FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL.

...even if I'm not planning to go right now, or don't think I could possibly get in. It's time. It's been three and a half years since I graduated from USF, and my patience with jobs that have little to nothing to do with what I want to do with my life is growing thin. It's time to get learned again, Marybeth. In 2012, I will take the GRE and apply for grad school.

3. I WILL USE UP HEALTH AND BEAUTY PRODUCTS THAT I ALREADY OWN.

If I had a dollar for every little bottle of lotion that I have saved because "I'll use it someday", I wouldn't need to work for my rent money. This year, I will use up those things, and only buy more when what I have is totally gone. Finished. Done. In 2012, I will use up products I already own.

4. I WILL MAKE EXERCISE PART OF MY LIFE.

I struggled with how to word this one, because I honestly want to be able to make it work. Promising daily exercise, while sounding great, in reality doesn't always end up happening, even if I try. I want to have a healthier relationship with my body and my weight, and a new year affords me a chance to start that anew. For years, I have wanted to be one of those girls who works out when she's stressed - no promises on that, but I want to get closer to that than I am now. In 2012, I will exercise.

5. I WILL FLIRT WITH VEGETARIANISM.

I love meat. When I was little, my mother called me her "little carnivore", so I'm not trying to go completely veg here. But the environmental implications of the meat-centered American diet are impossible to ignore. We eat too much meat (I mean, let's be real, we eat too much everything but that includes our obsession with meat at the center of our plates.) As I explore the food world through school, all I find is that I keep thinking of how the world could be healthier (and more people in it could eat) if we all ate a little less meat. It's time to walk the talk. In 2012, I will flirt with vegetarianism.

6. I WILL GIVE YOGA A GOOD HONEST TRY.

And by this, I mean that I will do yoga at least every other day for one month this year, and see if I like it at the end to keep doing it. Yoga is something that I always think I will like, and the times when I do it, I love it - but I have such a hard time committing to any form of exercise. In 2012, I will try yoga.

and last but definitely not least...

7. I WILL WEAR RED LIPSTICK.

...because for years, I have wanted to be someone who can pull that off. ...because I think it looks gorgeous, and I don't want to be so concerned about looking "too fancy". ...and because I wore it last night at the bar I went to for New Years, and for the first time in my life, a stranger offered to buy me a drink. In 2012, I will wear red lipstick.

Love, Bethy

craft fair, Christmas plans, and the return of the netflix

1. For all of you who were wondering, the craft fair went well - not like I sold every pair of earrings well, but ok. I sold about 25 pairs in 4 hours, and actually made a little bit of money too! (Although, let's be honest, all of that went immediately into my debt to Chris for paying December rent).

***And as a special holiday side note - If you need something for a special lady in your life (or if you want pretty earrings for yourself) let me know! I have lots to sell!!***

2. Chris and I will be leaving for Washington in 6 days for Christmas. On Christmas Eve, I'll drive him to the airport so he can do Christmas Day with his family in California. I'm really excited to visit my parents and friends and to see Lisa again - I guess it's only been 6 months, but it feels like a lot longer. I'm sure that the crisp WA air is going to feel ridiculously cold (it always does - even when I was coming from Alaska), and will most certainly go in to Winco and cry about the extremely low prices and really really want there to be one in Boone.

3. My online class is (almost) over, and the final project and final paper were turned in yesterday. So, this means two things - A) It means that I'm going to be considerably less grumpy and stressed, and B) it means that I got Chris to give me his password to Netflix again. (I made him change it two and a half weeks ago so that I wouldn't be tempted to watch anything streaming until my paper/project was done). So, once my stuffs was turned in, I got the new password. BOOM! And there we go with instantly streaming "How I Met Your Mother"!

Until next time,

Bethy

My Friday Nights

Katy Perry's Friday Nights consist of dancing on tabletops, taking shots, and kissing people...or perhaps not kissing people (she's not really sure) among other things. There was a time in my life when I could say the same...

Exhibit A:

Nick, I totally miss this moment...though I don't remember too much of it. :)

Currently, I am enrolled in an online class on sustainable local food systems, and I'm in my second class in the certificate program. The first class had all assignments for the week due every Sunday night at midnight. Me being the procrastinator that I am, and being a busy bee that I am would do the reading and assignments every Sunday evening, starting at about 6pm, and finishing right on time. Excellent. (I got an A+ in the class!)

The class I am enrolled in right now has all the week's assignments due on FRIDAY NIGHTS at midnight. So, yup, you guessed it...this is an accurate pictorial display of what my Friday nights have been like recently...

...aaand the results of a night's work. Exhibit B:

In other news, I had my first day of work today at Earth Fare. Being the coffee/smoothie/juice maker and the deli cashier is going to be quite the job - LOTS to learn! I think it'll be fun though, and I already really like the people I work with. More on that later now, I've spent too much time blogging and my homework is WAITING!!

Love, Bethy