Ok. So I tried to ignore this. I tried to read this, and be silently a) disgusted and b) sad. To chalk it up to someone who I don't know doing something I didn't want them to do because I didn't think it was good for them. And it sat. And marinated.
And I found myself coming back to this article, and becoming a) more incensed with every moment and b) so so SO sad.
When I was living in Alaska, I worked in a domestic violence and sexual assault shelter for a year. Now, I don't know everything there is to know about abusive relationships, but I do know a lot. Probably more than your average citizen. I've attended trainings and classes about abusive relationships, as well as spending a lot of time being and speaking with women who have endured unbelievable experiences of abuse - both physical and emotional. I have heard stories that made my blood run cold hearing about the power that someone can hold over another person.
Now, I know that you're wondering - where's the food connection? Why are we talking about this?
Well, I'm sure that most of you have heard about the 300 sandwiches lady. (If not - here's an article that should catch you right up.)
I have a few things to say about this. No, scratch that - I have a few things to say to Stephanie Smith.
1. If, in fact, you are serious about this - if you really do feel that a partner saying to you "you've been awake for 15 minutes and haven't made me a sandwich?" in a serious manner, like, he means it - for reals - is ok, then girl, please GET OUT NOW. Relationships take many forms, and every one is different, but power dynamics like this have no place in a healthy relationship. I repeat - this is not a healthy relationship. It doesn't matter if your man cooks the rest of the time or not. It's just. not. ok.
2. If this is not serious - if you're joking about the whole thing, just doing this for a book or movie deal, or came up with this while you were bored one night sitting in front of the TV with your man, I'm sad that you're willing to claim your 15 minutes of fame with something that could be so hurtful as to normalize abusive behavior, and to put it on the internet in such a display. According to the National Council Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 4 women in the United States will experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime. Let that sink in for a second. 1 in 4. If 1,000 people look at your website, that means that 250 have lived through violence by a partner, or are currently in a relationship with a skewed power dynamic. Your insistence of normalizing the interactions that you have with your partner could be harmful on a HUGE scale. You and your partner may think that this is all good and fun and casual, but there are so many women living in relationships where their partners say these things and mean them.
3. I'm really upset that the kitchen is the place where these skewed gender relations are taking place. I'm more upset that sandwiches are the object in question. The phrase "make me a sandwich" is a charged one. To many, it lies on the same plane as "women should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen." It has become somewhat of a joke because of the obvious mysoginistic undertones. Because now, in 2013, we assume that no one would say these things with any seed of seriousness. It feels awful to see these words being acted upon seriously, even if they are not said in that way.
4. I love to cook for others. I love to make sandwiches. When I was living with my ex-boyfriend, I cooked for him often. And yes, sometimes he asked me to make him food. But he never commanded me to do it. And if he had ever put the development of our relationship on the table in exchange?? It's too far, it's offensive to women, it's offensive to people who have been abused, it's offensive to everyone in a relationship who cooks for their partner.
The internet has exploded with comments about this article. Many people are angry. Some just want to eat all the sandwiches that Ms. Smith is making. I'm alright with being angry AND wanting to eat those sammies. They do, in fact, look delicious. But delicious enough to publicize and glamorize a relationship with an unhealthy power dynamic?
Ehh...no.
-Bethy
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