Sometimes I get really exhausted.
I was thinking about North Carolina last night, as I was falling asleep, and it occurred to me that the 10 months I spent there - living, working, doing online classes, hanging out with friends - in some respects it doesn't feel very real. I remember leaving New Jersey after my JV year, and thinking that I couldn't possibly be moving again, and that although I didn't know what the hell I wanted to do with my life, or where I wanted to be, I was getting so. damn. tired. Just so tired of moving, of uprooting myself, and that the excitement of packing everything up and going on yet another adventure was waning.
And since that move away from Newark in 2010, I've done it 3 more times. Newark to Bethel, Bethel to Boone, Boone to Lacey, Lacey to Boston.
I'm tired.
I still love the adventure, but as I begin 2013 (with a little better idea of what I want to do with my life, but with the same amount of hopelessness in regards to where I can find a job like that), it also occurs to me that making friends, feeling at home in each new place is getting harder. And for me, who exists the best with expansive support systems, feeling that isolation, even in the midst of a super busy life, is hard.
I have this incredibly full life in Boston - school (classes at BU and online classes) and work are enough to take up more than 30 hours a day, but it's hard not to romanticize the days when I felt more included in a social group and less like someone who has friends at work and friends at school and friends who I can call occasionally to get a drink (if I ever have the time) but no one who can fit in all these places. I miss having people around me who know enough about all the different facets of my life to understand stories I tell about my horrendous day at work, or that time I got blackout at the bar and fell down on the sidewalk, or how I'm having a hard time handling the workload in Anthro. (true story - this class hasn't even started yet, but we got the syllabus, I'm terrified.)
And this work is probably of my own making. And I hope that as 2013 surges ahead, I'm able to help myself do this - I can't hide under the mask of "this is my first semester and I'm just trying to get the lay of the land" anymore. I'll need to own up to the feelings of "I miss my sister" and "I miss my boyfriend" and "I miss my high school/college/Ireland/Bethel/JVC friends" because they have existed in their contexts, and perhaps I just need to buck up and create a context for Boston. I know that there are people out there in this big city that love me, and I know that, in this respect, I need to push past the exhaustion - maybe just this one more time. (hahaHA ok, let's be real - one more time?? Even I'm not delusional enough to believe that...)
Forever on the run,
Bethy
I miss YOU!
ReplyDeleteI understand! This summer I told Brian I was tired. And I'm not quite sure if he got it, but I just felt exhausted. I hadn't lived in one place for more than a year, and having adventures felt like a burden (of sorts, though I am always thankful for those experiences) for the first time in...well...forever.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be fine, but I think it is fair to say that life as a 20 something is exhausting. Having adventures, finding yourself, or whatever you want to call it is exhausting. Meeting people and finding a community is exhausting. But the reward is great, too, and I guess that is what makes it worth it in the end.
And sometimes I have to wonder if being alone, and learning simply to be, is not an adventure in its own right.
Be well, friend. Treat yourself well.